Blood and Energy

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When love arises my hands oh they give it all away,
Blood and energy
And for nothing in return
My friends they tell me it was never earned
Yet I feel like I am unworthy of it all
For I am in debt for having a reflection, for being alive
For I am a burden to you and me

So this is a goodbye.

A soulful abandonment where I learn how to fully love me
And understand reciprocity
It should be in the way you breathe,
Input and output
O CO2
But I only know how to hold my breath
and hope for the light at best,
Because we know it would be best,
If I just left

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December Ambivalence

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My fingers stretch for hope
Exhausted, my eyes retire, telling me it’s time to go to bed
I can’t remember what I was waiting for
For the moon to peak through the sky,
Or the sun to rise

Craving human touch, a warm embrace

And I ask myself why you are still here?
A sad case of somber in the middle of December
Dry skin and a wet face
I feel undeserving of it all
Yet this broken heart loves furiously selflessly falls into a world of uncertainty
Unworthy of the thought that you might just stick around

So I wait for you to leave me
So I can slip back into a reclusive state
Where my arms feel alien and my body is again many times over inconsolable
Back to the days chasing fading affection
When feeling numb was the goal pursuit

And now I wake up to another day
For today I will digress from the potential goodbye,
to take a break and wait to see what path we will take

 

10 Years Gone

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Childhood photos

 

10 years you were ripped away, swallowed by the yolk of the sun. I dreaded living without you and all the things you would have missed.Now I sit here in middle of December in my apartment bewildered by the thought that 10 years have already gone by.

Dad, you have been away all this time. The first 5 years they were so harsh. I remember my first stable job and my unstable manager telling me it takes 5 years to move on after losing a parent. The truth is that we as children just learn how to live with your absence, moving on seems to be some kind of vision beyond comprehension. The memories never really go away even if it is blurred from time to time, but you reappear in our minds like some kind of eternal subscription.

When looking back, it was strange how loosing you was just the beginning. My life had become a revolving door, watching people come, go, walk all over me, and die as they please. It was so frequent and even now I struggle to believe that someone will be here to stay. Life is quick, cruel, and beautiful. I never knew my heart would break over and over again and I would survive it with all the trouble that ensued. Your death revealed your past, someone I never really knew and all I could remember was being Daddy’s girl the father you once were, the only you I have ever known.

The frayed strings presented themselves as the days furthered themselves, and then it became years. Time never stops but the people they drop, like you. There was so much I wanted to know. When you left this earth, I thought to myself how you would never see me get my first job, graduate, fall in love, fall out of love, get married, or have children. I would never be able to confide in you if ever I was to have a crisis, everything I do would be missing your perspective. Life without you meant that every milestone would be carried on even with your absence.

After you passed I believed you were somewhere in the sky and when you died, my mother in all her own chaos took on the reigns, with her hand, a cord, and smashing of plates. A woman once told me you had left the world for a reason, to teach me a lesson. I wondered what she had meant, was it resilience, forgiveness, acceptance, or the carrying of abilities my father never had. Over the years, I have learned how to forgive my mother and my brother for all that they have done. With being raised by my mother you raided my conscience often pondering what you might have said. I wonder if you are proud of me or frowning from the sky.

Yet 10 years later, when I look back at the time we shared, I am lucky to have had a Dad like you. The silliness and the eccentricity you possessed, the adventures you took us on, the long drives on the daily. You were gentle when Mother was crazy, you brought ease and listened to me when no one else would. The stories you told about your life in Los Angeles, Toronto, Thompson, Japan, and the rest of the world. The endless stories you would tell of the wildlife and the creatures that emerged from the bushes. You took us on rides far from home and told stories of your strolls through Garbage Dump Hill

. You got us lost and stuck in ditches, taught us how to find rocks, love a bike and when things got sad humor was lurking waiting to flicker from our tongues. It runs in the family I guess. The thirteen years we shared and the life lessons you taught me along the way. Now you are in the clouds and there to stay, but they say you live in me, and believe me, I think you do. Goodbye Dad happy 10 year deathiversary this was a tribute to you.

Perception, Safety, and Love

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Apartment reflections

We were redemptive caregivers of souls, lone wolves seeking safety
We searched far and wide, gazed into each other’s eyes
Grasped aimlessly while gasping in the cold
Taking hold what was left of our broken dreams
We hoped for a savior and mistook it for love
Damned by the self-made prophesies and everything above
Oh
It swallowed us whole
The reality it then dimmed with the darkened sky
And here we sat watching
Waiting
For that beaming solution and low and behold
Our reflection the savior, the water, our maker
The creator

Nightime Thoughts

And I don’t understand what you see
Sometimes your kisses are firm and there are days where you turn away
Your eyes speak to space, shifting away from my face
And when you leave, I wonder
Yet for some reason  guessing is left out of option
Ineffable moments come frequently with you without verbal expression
To stay, sometimes I feel so unworthy of what we share
You don’t tell me what you love, but you assure me with delay with an “ok”

And as you come and go, you seem so very in a hurry
Yet you come back in your timely way and find your way back into my space.

 

 

Silly Strings

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Somewhere in Winnipeg 2013

 

Silly strings, fragile, delicate,
Yes.
It gets all over the place
Pretty and scattered
Laying, splayed out on the furniture
Dirtying up your hair
Nuzzling into the seams of your clothes
Red, yellow, blue  and green

Silly strings

It comes from the bottle

Full throttle

Spirals of fun that cannot be unspun
Temporary and quick to dry
Shriveled up and ready to crumble
And here my thumbs they fumble,
The ideas we conspired and all the fun that we’ve have had
I look across the room it’s a mess of love
Colorful strings of thoughts and ideas
and I wonder how fast you are to fly

Break that nozzle, and run out the door

Spraying near empty or stacked with 5 canisters more
To take out the door sharing with the people you adore
Near and far, out of reach and here you are too quick to swoon
And the can that you sprayed has ran out to soon

Pollution Solution

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Industrial Winnipeg

 

Soft wisps of light brush through the room with every hit of wind the tree takes
It’s  been a while since the evergreens danced,
The air has been sombre and stale for some time
Pillars of smoke rise breaching the clouds,
corrupting the sky
The magpies quickly became blind, the foxes, they cried, the squirrel’s they curled
The humans, they had casted another blind eye
And one would think the comedian would have had their last laugh,
It was not true.
For the destruction of earth was the solution to writers block, food for thought, a gift of inspiration
No more than a news flip, a infomercial
For profit of course
The humans, they lived in a hardening contradiction,
Unaware of nature and all of it’s devastation
Mother is calling but no one is answering
Who will text mother and tell her the truth
The uncouth reality, the potential fatalities
And the trail of broken hearts left to the hollows A hard pill to swallow that not even the pharmaceutical company cannot prevent
Time will be of essence, too short to resent