10 years you were ripped away, swallowed by the yolk of the sun. I dreaded living without you and all the things you would have missed.Now I sit here in middle of December in my apartment bewildered by the thought that 10 years have already gone by.
Dad, you have been away all this time. The first 5 years they were so harsh. I remember my first stable job and my unstable manager telling me it takes 5 years to move on after losing a parent. The truth is that we as children just learn how to live with your absence, moving on seems to be some kind of vision beyond comprehension. The memories never really go away even if it is blurred from time to time, but you reappear in our minds like some kind of eternal subscription.
When looking back, it was strange how loosing you was just the beginning. My life had become a revolving door, watching people come, go, walk all over me, and die as they please. It was so frequent and even now I struggle to believe that someone will be here to stay. Life is quick, cruel, and beautiful. I never knew my heart would break over and over again and I would survive it with all the trouble that ensued. Your death revealed your past, someone I never really knew and all I could remember was being Daddy’s girl the father you once were, the only you I have ever known.
The frayed strings presented themselves as the days furthered themselves, and then it became years. Time never stops but the people they drop, like you. There was so much I wanted to know. When you left this earth, I thought to myself how you would never see me get my first job, graduate, fall in love, fall out of love, get married, or have children. I would never be able to confide in you if ever I was to have a crisis, everything I do would be missing your perspective. Life without you meant that every milestone would be carried on even with your absence.
After you passed I believed you were somewhere in the sky and when you died, my mother in all her own chaos took on the reigns, with her hand, a cord, and smashing of plates. A woman once told me you had left the world for a reason, to teach me a lesson. I wondered what she had meant, was it resilience, forgiveness, acceptance, or the carrying of abilities my father never had. Over the years, I have learned how to forgive my mother and my brother for all that they have done. With being raised by my mother you raided my conscience often pondering what you might have said. I wonder if you are proud of me or frowning from the sky.
Yet 10 years later, when I look back at the time we shared, I am lucky to have had a Dad like you. The silliness and the eccentricity you possessed, the adventures you took us on, the long drives on the daily. You were gentle when Mother was crazy, you brought ease and listened to me when no one else would. The stories you told about your life in Los Angeles, Toronto, Thompson, Japan, and the rest of the world. The endless stories you would tell of the wildlife and the creatures that emerged from the bushes. You took us on rides far from home and told stories of your strolls through Garbage Dump Hill
. You got us lost and stuck in ditches, taught us how to find rocks, love a bike and when things got sad humor was lurking waiting to flicker from our tongues. It runs in the family I guess. The thirteen years we shared and the life lessons you taught me along the way. Now you are in the clouds and there to stay, but they say you live in me, and believe me, I think you do. Goodbye Dad happy 10 year deathiversary this was a tribute to you.