Dissonance and Low Tide

IMG_3831.JPG

It took hold,
Fast and furious
Vintage cars,
Pink, purple, blue, and red
Ripped down the road
You stood further in proximity
This body a sad case of lost curiosity
And the Caribbean wind whipped away at my fragile state
The voices hollered, drums drummed, the chimes rung through the narrow streets
The dogs they weaselled through the slow paced legs
And the clouded moonlit sky deceived my sudden dread
Voiced my dreams and let them float away
Adrift with the dying hope of reciprocity
I watched my I love you never come back to me
Hands aimlessly grasping for the reluctant grip and those space eyes to take me in
They tend to be incompatible with your mind drifting somewhere in time
Solemn for the journey, in for the trip,
Unrequited confessions lay flat on the Malecon
To be shattered by the waves that crash with the low tide

 

Bell Let’s Talk

 

16143135_10155062881555513_7438323275524700070_n

Know that everyday you are not alone. 1 in 5 Canadians if not more experience mental illness in our lifetime including myself. The conversation, may it never end, let’s keep the dialogue ongoing and open. Although Bell may be operating on potentially a double standard, it is truly amazing how many people I have seen sharing their personal stories & know that there is support and ears that are open to listening. There is no health without mental health so I thought I would share a snippet from my walk last week on the river. Practicing self care is important not just looking for what will raise our self esteem but also how we can practice compassion towards ourselves.

#BellLetsTalk

Since I am not brave enough to share with my main go to’s of social media I thought I would share this very personal piece on this blog. The following was written a couple of years ago I was slipping in and out of depression and struggling with bulimia. In 2012 I sunk to a low pit attempted suicide. Not long after the attempt, I was diagnosed with Bulimia, 2013 I did 6 months of therapy, in 2014 I was sought counselling for CPTSD (Complex post traumatic stress disorder). For 6 years I actively had an eating disorder and harmed myself in anyway I could except mutilation. Often people assumed I was too happy, high functioning, normal sized to struggle with mental illness. It was often invisible unless it was someone who had lived with me. It was not until around the end of 2015 where I began to seriously overcome it I like to think now I have recovered, built a strong foundation, and have acquired the right life tools. But then again life is a journey , I slip up from time to time, and I can’t do anything more than expect the unexpected and live day by day.

Anyways, here it is:

August.2015

Ballerina Tea Bags and Self Loathing 

My eyes open at face of dawn, the sun pushes its way through my blindness windowsill. I lay stagnant as my mind processes the day ahead and the wind brushes against my naked body. The blankets leave imprints upon my skin, the proof of a long slumber, My eyes scan my cluttered surroundings, I then look below to see my face, the tip of my nose, following my large breasts, flabby belly, hip bones, furry pubic bone all radiating heat. It was as if all the warmth had left my heart to console my body in my already warm room.

Before I sit myself up a plan has already been made, half already set out with work the rest left to my insecurities. The free time ahead brings a pending anxiety because I know as soon as I get up the mirror awaits me. I look at the mirror, and it tells me the answer. The same answer it is every time, that the world awaits, and I am not worthy of it. So my body falls to a made up string of false impulses, and my mind can’t help but to follow. A set of invisible challenges, falling to hours of self-destruction, time passes and the only clarity I get is the inevitable self-hate and the reminder that I picked it over my friends, I picked it over a nice cup of coffee, I picked it out of being productive, I picked it over my family. My eyes tear, fighting, falling, crying an invisible struggle.

Mindful stability alone has become a myth, a fallacy ruled by inconsistency.  Years of the same old self convictions of being unlovable, intangible, too much to handle, another troubled soul.  As result, I’ve created an iron cage of my own sickness inhaling the red dust, delirious from the thought of my own sadness and loneliness. As time passes, I will grow too large for this cage, and will inevitable sink in the soil, like an elephant in quicksand.

The line between yearning to be alone, has faded into my own bottomless pit of social anxiety, isolated by my own thoughts. The pacing within this head is tiresome, weak from the knee down, bruised from the waist up, disintegrating from within.

The ebs and flows of these tidal waves have become erosive, rolling away with fragments flaking away with each tide. Scattered reflections of a depressed self is seen by the way the clothes lay across my floor, a cupboard, a fridge of food half empty, and a toilet bowl full. A pile of empty laxative bottles, and over used three ballerina extra strength tea bags in the trash. Leftover remnants of a sexual escapade, or a computer filled with erogenous triggers. The only source of comfort received is the concrete that meets my feet and my arms that have the potential to wrap around my body. Hugs are painful a reminder to keep running shoes near in fear of another quick leaving soul to come and go through this broken door.  My dreams keep this soul alive, awaiting sleep to awaken to a hope that maybe one one day the sun shine and bring my body and mind back to life. That one day I will heal and truly learn to love me.

Jibber Jabber

Yesterday was really rough, but anyways here is a poem I wrote this week, a sunset, and a wishing for better days…

img_2293

Dibble, dabble, babble
Silly tongue, it runs short of words to create
My eyes flood this interpersonal landscape
Throat dry, CO2 what have you
I tried to take you in but you were too hard to swallow
Your body a roadmap with endless trails to follow
So it slips my lips
Babble, rabble,
Gibberish
Gabble
jibberjabber
Malfunction
Fall of the jaw
Uneasy fingers fidget
While these legs wobble ready to fall
Knees ready to kneel
And my heart coincidentally has plunged to the ground
But these eyes can’t help but wonder away
Out of your face, and ready to hit the hay
I guess it’s been a day
 

Blood and Energy

img_0179

When love arises my hands oh they give it all away,
Blood and energy
And for nothing in return
My friends they tell me it was never earned
Yet I feel like I am unworthy of it all
For I am in debt for having a reflection, for being alive
For I am a burden to you and me

So this is a goodbye.

A soulful abandonment where I learn how to fully love me
And understand reciprocity
It should be in the way you breathe,
Input and output
O CO2
But I only know how to hold my breath
and hope for the light at best,
Because we know it would be best,
If I just left

10 Years Gone

img_1919
Childhood photos

 

10 years you were ripped away, swallowed by the yolk of the sun. I dreaded living without you and all the things you would have missed.Now I sit here in middle of December in my apartment bewildered by the thought that 10 years have already gone by.

Dad, you have been away all this time. The first 5 years they were so harsh. I remember my first stable job and my unstable manager telling me it takes 5 years to move on after losing a parent. The truth is that we as children just learn how to live with your absence, moving on seems to be some kind of vision beyond comprehension. The memories never really go away even if it is blurred from time to time, but you reappear in our minds like some kind of eternal subscription.

When looking back, it was strange how loosing you was just the beginning. My life had become a revolving door, watching people come, go, walk all over me, and die as they please. It was so frequent and even now I struggle to believe that someone will be here to stay. Life is quick, cruel, and beautiful. I never knew my heart would break over and over again and I would survive it with all the trouble that ensued. Your death revealed your past, someone I never really knew and all I could remember was being Daddy’s girl the father you once were, the only you I have ever known.

The frayed strings presented themselves as the days furthered themselves, and then it became years. Time never stops but the people they drop, like you. There was so much I wanted to know. When you left this earth, I thought to myself how you would never see me get my first job, graduate, fall in love, fall out of love, get married, or have children. I would never be able to confide in you if ever I was to have a crisis, everything I do would be missing your perspective. Life without you meant that every milestone would be carried on even with your absence.

After you passed I believed you were somewhere in the sky and when you died, my mother in all her own chaos took on the reigns, with her hand, a cord, and smashing of plates. A woman once told me you had left the world for a reason, to teach me a lesson. I wondered what she had meant, was it resilience, forgiveness, acceptance, or the carrying of abilities my father never had. Over the years, I have learned how to forgive my mother and my brother for all that they have done. With being raised by my mother you raided my conscience often pondering what you might have said. I wonder if you are proud of me or frowning from the sky.

Yet 10 years later, when I look back at the time we shared, I am lucky to have had a Dad like you. The silliness and the eccentricity you possessed, the adventures you took us on, the long drives on the daily. You were gentle when Mother was crazy, you brought ease and listened to me when no one else would. The stories you told about your life in Los Angeles, Toronto, Thompson, Japan, and the rest of the world. The endless stories you would tell of the wildlife and the creatures that emerged from the bushes. You took us on rides far from home and told stories of your strolls through Garbage Dump Hill

. You got us lost and stuck in ditches, taught us how to find rocks, love a bike and when things got sad humor was lurking waiting to flicker from our tongues. It runs in the family I guess. The thirteen years we shared and the life lessons you taught me along the way. Now you are in the clouds and there to stay, but they say you live in me, and believe me, I think you do. Goodbye Dad happy 10 year deathiversary this was a tribute to you.

Perception, Safety, and Love

img_2100
Apartment reflections

We were redemptive caregivers of souls, lone wolves seeking safety
We searched far and wide, gazed into each other’s eyes
Grasped aimlessly while gasping in the cold
Taking hold what was left of our broken dreams
We hoped for a savior and mistook it for love
Damned by the self-made prophesies and everything above
Oh
It swallowed us whole
The reality it then dimmed with the darkened sky
And here we sat watching
Waiting
For that beaming solution and low and behold
Our reflection the savior, the water, our maker
The creator

Pollution Solution

img_4075
Industrial Winnipeg

 

Soft wisps of light brush through the room with every hit of wind the tree takes
It’s  been a while since the evergreens danced,
The air has been sombre and stale for some time
Pillars of smoke rise breaching the clouds,
corrupting the sky
The magpies quickly became blind, the foxes, they cried, the squirrel’s they curled
The humans, they had casted another blind eye
And one would think the comedian would have had their last laugh,
It was not true.
For the destruction of earth was the solution to writers block, food for thought, a gift of inspiration
No more than a news flip, a infomercial
For profit of course
The humans, they lived in a hardening contradiction,
Unaware of nature and all of it’s devastation
Mother is calling but no one is answering
Who will text mother and tell her the truth
The uncouth reality, the potential fatalities
And the trail of broken hearts left to the hollows A hard pill to swallow that not even the pharmaceutical company cannot prevent
Time will be of essence, too short to resent

 

The Wind

img_1481
Me at Kilcona park

The wind

The enemy

Sharp

Cold and Conniving

Unpredictable.

Swift and shifting

May I ask why you ride?

Are you riding for the feeling?

Do you blow around with the breeze?

Pollinating the flowers, fuckin’ up the bird feathers

What brings you here?

And your fragments, they blow around everywhere leaving a papertrail of sin

Always rustling up your lovers, messing up all the flowers

And where have  you been?

Before the day ended, before the dawn?

In the night we wonder if you’ll ever settle down

Do you calm down to a gentle breeze?

And when the winter comes do you bring the storms?

Freezing all the rivers, giving the people you meet the shivers

Then when spring hits you leave before the leaves grow

And the snow melts

Then you roll  out before summer to ride the wind down south

And then your back again just for the flowers to wither

To watch it all die and darken early with the sky