Forever in Awe
It’s all ruckus!
Pull it together,
Unscrew the hinges of the rubbish cubicle
Cut the silly cords
Rip out the telephone,
Throw out the manual
Drink the dirty water, piss out the retained information
Stain the table
Tear up your work sheets
Go home, count the sheep,
Fall to sleep,
And that is how you rid the dread
And instead tomorrow you can reset your head
Pacify the sad minutes with online time
Soothe the eyes with bright lights
Stimulating your fingers with illuminating touch screens
Heat your nourishment with micro waves
You lost sense of what your heart once craved
A wall, a rut, curse of the brain
Trapped in the window seat, clutching to the escape
Eyes soothed by the rolling clouds,
And when they close, muddied thoughts take the reign
Drained of the noise, the howling souls go away
5 wide breaths and a nose full of dampened air
Fallen into deep sleep, caressed by the fabrics of the airplane chair
1000 ft. above beloved Poseidon and his blue tidal waves
And my body it falls into revolt to rude awakening
The plane it touched the ground
And so did my reality
The brown apartment water magically reflects how I feel today. Rusty, ugly, and shitty.
Happy Valentines Day 
These are the deserted streets,
Your eyes rest upon the synchronicity of the rolling traffic lights
Green, yellow, red
Sentimental dreaming glory of the quiet empty neighborhoods
The ground frozen, well coated with snow
And the rancid breath of the manhole becomes apparent in the twilight zone
When the sun falls below the earth, a chilly breeze races through the backlane,
Down the river banks
Wind chill
The chimney blows extra bellows of smoke to make up midwinter blow
The hour too far forward for spring to come
And the night is much too long for the morning to arrive
And when the sun rises the sky how it is deceiving
Clear blue, ice cold. and conniving
It bites the skin
Without doubt or care
Whiplashing the passer-by’s into true summer dreaming
And the people they bottom out into a sad state of grimace
And the cold the skin it takes a beating
Cold snap
Midwinter naps
Seasonal feelings
Wishy Washy
Lukewarm
Grey
Middle
Centred
Never 100 yet unable to hit 0
Keep stalled at 50,
Sometimes a little above,
Sometimes a little below
Not spring, not winter, not fall, not summer
Windy day
Dirty snow
Wet streets
In between
Not hot nor cold
Not happy nor sad
Just neutral
Know that everyday you are not alone. 1 in 5 Canadians if not more experience mental illness in our lifetime including myself. The conversation, may it never end, let’s keep the dialogue ongoing and open. Although Bell may be operating on potentially a double standard, it is truly amazing how many people I have seen sharing their personal stories & know that there is support and ears that are open to listening. There is no health without mental health so I thought I would share a snippet from my walk last week on the river. Practicing self care is important not just looking for what will raise our self esteem but also how we can practice compassion towards ourselves.
#BellLetsTalk
Since I am not brave enough to share with my main go to’s of social media I thought I would share this very personal piece on this blog. The following was written a couple of years ago I was slipping in and out of depression and struggling with bulimia. In 2012 I sunk to a low pit attempted suicide. Not long after the attempt, I was diagnosed with Bulimia, 2013 I did 6 months of therapy, in 2014 I was sought counselling for CPTSD (Complex post traumatic stress disorder). For 6 years I actively had an eating disorder and harmed myself in anyway I could except mutilation. Often people assumed I was too happy, high functioning, normal sized to struggle with mental illness. It was often invisible unless it was someone who had lived with me. It was not until around the end of 2015 where I began to seriously overcome it I like to think now I have recovered, built a strong foundation, and have acquired the right life tools. But then again life is a journey , I slip up from time to time, and I can’t do anything more than expect the unexpected and live day by day.
Anyways, here it is:
August.2015
Ballerina Tea Bags and Self Loathing
My eyes open at face of dawn, the sun pushes its way through my blindness windowsill. I lay stagnant as my mind processes the day ahead and the wind brushes against my naked body. The blankets leave imprints upon my skin, the proof of a long slumber, My eyes scan my cluttered surroundings, I then look below to see my face, the tip of my nose, following my large breasts, flabby belly, hip bones, furry pubic bone all radiating heat. It was as if all the warmth had left my heart to console my body in my already warm room.
Before I sit myself up a plan has already been made, half already set out with work the rest left to my insecurities. The free time ahead brings a pending anxiety because I know as soon as I get up the mirror awaits me. I look at the mirror, and it tells me the answer. The same answer it is every time, that the world awaits, and I am not worthy of it. So my body falls to a made up string of false impulses, and my mind can’t help but to follow. A set of invisible challenges, falling to hours of self-destruction, time passes and the only clarity I get is the inevitable self-hate and the reminder that I picked it over my friends, I picked it over a nice cup of coffee, I picked it out of being productive, I picked it over my family. My eyes tear, fighting, falling, crying an invisible struggle.
Mindful stability alone has become a myth, a fallacy ruled by inconsistency. Years of the same old self convictions of being unlovable, intangible, too much to handle, another troubled soul. As result, I’ve created an iron cage of my own sickness inhaling the red dust, delirious from the thought of my own sadness and loneliness. As time passes, I will grow too large for this cage, and will inevitable sink in the soil, like an elephant in quicksand.
The line between yearning to be alone, has faded into my own bottomless pit of social anxiety, isolated by my own thoughts. The pacing within this head is tiresome, weak from the knee down, bruised from the waist up, disintegrating from within.
The ebs and flows of these tidal waves have become erosive, rolling away with fragments flaking away with each tide. Scattered reflections of a depressed self is seen by the way the clothes lay across my floor, a cupboard, a fridge of food half empty, and a toilet bowl full. A pile of empty laxative bottles, and over used three ballerina extra strength tea bags in the trash. Leftover remnants of a sexual escapade, or a computer filled with erogenous triggers. The only source of comfort received is the concrete that meets my feet and my arms that have the potential to wrap around my body. Hugs are painful a reminder to keep running shoes near in fear of another quick leaving soul to come and go through this broken door. My dreams keep this soul alive, awaiting sleep to awaken to a hope that maybe one one day the sun shine and bring my body and mind back to life. That one day I will heal and truly learn to love me.
Yesterday was really rough, but anyways here is a poem I wrote this week, a sunset, and a wishing for better days…
Dibble, dabble, babble
Silly tongue, it runs short of words to create
My eyes flood this interpersonal landscape
Throat dry, CO2 what have you
I tried to take you in but you were too hard to swallow
Your body a roadmap with endless trails to follow
So it slips my lips
Babble, rabble,
Gibberish
Gabble
jibberjabber
Malfunction
Fall of the jaw
Uneasy fingers fidget
While these legs wobble ready to fall
Knees ready to kneel
And my heart coincidentally has plunged to the ground
But these eyes can’t help but wonder away
Out of your face, and ready to hit the hay
I guess it’s been a day
The Swooning Magpie 